Alternative title: "I Am a Happy Person". [comment] Oh boy here we go again. [/comment]
It's weird. Whenever I feel sad or depressed, it seems to me like I'm more depressed than happy. However, when I feel happy, it seems as if I was happy most of the time and sadness was just "an annoying depression thing that comes up sometimes". I don't know why I feel happy sometimes, and I don't know why I feel sad sometimes either. Of course, this can't be the whole truth.
I always try to filter out some reasons as to why I am in either state of mind, but I never truly figure out why. There's simple reasons for why I am sad: Lack of appreciation, lack of attention, self critique, bad grades, inability to master something, saying or doing wrong things and so on. I'm sure you're familiar with most of these feelings and impressions yourself. On the other hand, there's also simply reasons for why I am happy: Being able to converse with people I like, generally having an easy life, learning exciting and new things, good grades, being able to overcome and obstacle, helping others etcetera. Here as well, I am sure you know all these feelings. And it just seems logical that they might explain my phases or moods, right? But here's the thing: Almost all of the reasons for why I am sad seem silly. I shouldn't care about not getting enough attention and just do my thing. Self-critique shouldn't be taken with much weight at all either, bad grades can happen to anyone and it could've been an accident, you encounter obstacles you can't overcome on the first try all the time, saying or doing wrong things is also something everyone does, just because we're a bit stupid. These are all extremely trivial reasons.
So why the hell do I get sad and depressed over them? They could all be easily disregarded without losing much of value for doing so. But yet [i]I just can't do it[/i]. I'm still trapped in this ridiculous impression that these things are worth worrying about and have the weight I give them. Whenevr I get sad, I quickly reach the question "Well why do you get depressed then?" To which the answer is most of the time something like this: "You are a perfectionist and you want to be able to do [i]everything[/i] completely right, without flaws and without failure. The reason why you give such simple things so much weight is because for you, even the slightest mistake is devastating. It could mean the end of the world, right? What are people going to think of you, now that you messed up this simple anatomy sketch? Surely they must be disgusted at your miserable display. How [i]could[/i] you! Or look at these grades! My goodness, and people say you're intelligent? Don't make me laugh!" And so on, going to the point where everything I touch looks like a turd.
The solution seems so simple. No, it [i]is[/i] so simple. [img=http://img.tymoon.eu/lol/13131839861070.jpg]class=flRight[/img] Just do it. Depression is the ultimate productivity killer. It makes me un-inspired, demotivated and just overall a sad guy nobody wants to really give a shit about, because nobody likes whiners. There is nothing to gain from being sad. I am by no means saying that there's something wrong with critiquing myself! There however is something terribly wrong with getting sad about making mistakes and generally having [i]imperfections[/i]. In order to analyse and fix problems properly, I need to have a clear mind. A mind that isn't filled with idiotic thoughts and only works at a productivity rate so slim even a cat would be disgusted by it. Despite all of this, I often can't "just do it" and get on with my work. Why is this?
I don't know. I really just don't. Additionally, all the trivial reasons I gave before don't really seem like a satisfactory answer for the sadness I feel. As I said, they feel [i]silly[/i] and look like stupid reasons for me to get sad about. So yes. I don't know why I'm sad.
The same goes for happiness. I can be ridiculously cheery sometimes, for no good reason. Of course, I would really prefer to stay happy rather than be sad, but that doesn't explain the reason for the happiness any more. (Side note for the retards who like to say "It isn't just black and white, Nick!1! There's differing grades of happiness and sadness!": [spoiler] Ok, look let's take this nice gradient here: [img]http://shinmera.tymoon.eu/public/feelinggradient.png[/img] Oh wow! It almost looks like you could separate it into two big categories and use those to simplify the explanation process! Why does this work? Because you're never exactly in the middle. You are always tending to one side or the other, in which case it only makes sense to describe things with words that categorize either side. These words and words like it that can have differing degrees of appliance (actually, all words) are [i]never[/i] meant as absolutes, unless specifically stated to be. Of course, you can talk about things that are "pretty much in the middle", but then you'd analyse a third state and not only two, which would introduce a different kind of gradient and a different kind of explanation. Anyway, rant over. [/spoiler] )
So yes. I don't know why and it bugs the living hell out of me. I want to be working, rather than having my mind thinking about the why all the time. Honestly, I doubt anyone can answer this question. But that makes it all the more silly to think about it in the first place again. Ah, if only feelings weren't so damn inconvenient so often. Makes me think again about how imperfect and unoptimized evolution's product called "humanity" is, but I digress.
Another thing I just can't find a satisfactory answer for: Why the hell did I write this blog entry?
Written by shinmera