Code Craft Concepts - Confession 26

2014.08.11 22:44:34

Is it ever gonna be enough?

More and more, more and more, is it ever gonna be enough? In my case I think the answer to this will have to be a begrudging no. If there had to be a single word to describe myself with it would probably have to be ‘restless’. Most of the time I feel unfulfilled at best and furious at worst about my works, with the occasional complete indifference or short-lived appreciation thrown in to throw off the statistics.

On the things that I do consider complete or good enough it won't take long until I find something to complain about, some reason to revert back to disliking. This doesn't just apply to art, it applies to anything I undertake. I'm not proud of any piece of code I've ever written. I'm not happy about any article that I published. I severely dislike my voice, looks, attitude, the whole deal.

I honestly don't know how someone could stay sane with this inevitable tendency towards negativity. I suppose most of the time I can live my life because these feelings only lurk in the back of my mind and I can satisfy them for the most part by working. As soon as I stop and stay inactive, or start reflecting on the things I've done everything comes back in full, turning it all to shit.

As I've said in many a blog like this before I'm not even entirely convinced if this attitude is absolutely bad in its net effect. It has helped me to push myself farther than many a person, though that doesn't account for much. I'm not sure who I would be without this either, as it seems a very defining character trait of mine that regulates and influences most of my actions and feelings.

In a strange way this all is very funny, maybe merely due to its complete absurdity in the lengths that it goes. I'm rather certain that if you tried to follow my reasoning for any decision back you would most likely end up with the postulate that is buried within my mind: “It is not enough.” I'm not working enough and everything I do is not good enough. Too little, too late. Always and forever.

Even as I'm writing this very article I'm beginning to consider deleting it all again, leaving it all to be gone and never read by anyone again. Luckily my tendency to simply remove written works is (as of now still) lower than for drawings, so I probably will publish this anyway, even if it appears to be a senseless mess without any consensus or reason to exist, even if it is probably just another wording of an article I've already written before.

But things must go on. In the end it doesn't matter that it pains me, the only things that matter are those that have some form of impact on the rest of the world. Or at least that seems to be a sensible, even if objectively pointless goal to strive for so I can keep my mind away from the complete insanity that is nihilism.

Until the inevitable next time.

Written by shinmera