I am pretty sure that I have all the right to say that I'm different. A bit too different even as it sometimes seems.
I mean, I'm probably the weirdest guy in our class, I have a weird way of thinking, do weird stuff and generally just act weirdly most of the time.
Some people may call it “extraordinary” but that just sounds way too positive to me. Sure, sometimes it's a good aspect to be different and take another way of approaching a problem, but that shouldn't mean all the time.
Now, why am I writing all this? Well, possibly just to put out there that I'm realizing all the time just how much I don't really belong anywhere specific. I'm not an artist, I'm not a programmer, I'm not a musician, I'm not a mathematician or physicist, nor am I a biologist or even scientist in general. I don't really fit any of these characteristics well enough, nor do I have a similar way of thinking any of the people who belong to one of these groups have….For example, I don't draw because I like to do so or because it's fun. It's just sort of a “project” I've made up for myself. I also actually rather hate programming. It's just interesting to me because it's abstract, but that's it. I don't really like playing music either, or just thinking about scientific topics.
It's almost as if I don't really like doing any of what I do or just fail to capture the emotion.
This probably sounds like I'm a very cold and emotionless person. That's not the case, I do laugh and I am happy from time to time, but never really because of the things I work on.
My happiness solely comes from things other people do. Well, most of the time. Sometimes it creates the exact opposite reaction though, which is what I call an ego crush.
The ego crush thing seems to be yet another thing nobody else has. I've never heard of anyone getting insta-depressions because they see something that they like really much.
I'm not even sure if it's just that I like those pieces… I guess it's kind of a mix out of jealousy, liking and the feeling that I'll never get to be as good as that. I don't know, it just seems to be the perfect mix for me to get down.
When I was in primary school, I was pretty much forced to get into the main stream. I got bullied and beaten up all the time, just because I made good marks without the least bit of effort and was interested in stuff I apparently wasn't supposed to be interested in. But no matter how much I tried to interest myself for the shit the other guys were interested in (football, games, msn), it didn't change anything. Over time I learned to just deal with the fact that people hate me.
When I got into the gymnasium (that's high school for smart kids), things seemed to brighten up a little. But not much and not for long. The first two years, aka. primary gymnasium, didn't turn out too well either. It was better sure, but still far from good. I was still pretty much an egoist because, hell, that's what I learned to be.
When I got into the third year, the classes were mixed anew. It didn't start out very easy for me either and I started to diverge again from the main stream. I got fed up with trying to interest myself in stuff I didn't want to be interested in. However, for some reason, things changed. I can surely say that I'm accepted in this class now and that I got some good relationships with some of the people in class. I'm not really trying to hide the fact that I'm not interested in the stuff others primarily do (gaming, going out) but that's apparently ok.
I am happy to learn that a lot of people seem to like me, primarily people I know from the internet. It's what keeps me running. As long as there are people out there who care about me I got a reason to live, a reason to do shit.
This may explain why I do what I do to some extent, but it still doesn't explain why I don't have any fun in any of what I do. I don't think I'll be able to answer that question soon, primarily because I don't know if that problem is fix or if it's only a long and awful phase I'm going through.
Why am I even writing all of this?
I don't know… I don't even know if I have any chance of getting anyone to read all of this.
Oh well… I'll keep on rollin' either way.
[b]Now for another thing I wanted to get loose:[/b]
Perfect. What does that even mean?
Let's get a bit deeper into how you can apply the word.
If you say “this picture is perfect!” then perfect is applied to a) the picture and b) your opinion.
This means that perfect is always relative to two contexts. The context it's coming from and the context it's applied to. Normally, perfect is coming from the “global” context, or your perception of reality. Your opinion.
Of course, perfect can never be truly applied to the global context, since it's impossible to be perfect in every aspect, unless it's a perfectly defined, abstract construct like maths. The same goes for every context that resembles an exact idea and doesn't allow variability.
However, something CAN be perfect if the context it's coming from allows variability, isn't an exact idea, but rather a rough concept, a set of rules or guidelines.
This means that a picture can be perfect anatomy wise, since anatomy allows variability. Anatomy is a set of rules and ideas. Not only one strict idea lone.
Now to get to my point: If I say “I want to have PERFECT anatomy”, responding with “nothing can be perfect” is simply wrong. More so, everything can be perfect if perfect is derived from the right context.
Let's make a math analogy here:
You have the number set {1,2,3,4,5}u[10-20[. Which of the following numbers are perfect?
a) 2 b) 0 c) 4 d) 10 e) 6 f) 10.41 g) 10+Pi h) 20 i) 3.4212
Solution:
a,c,d,f,g are all perfect!
And yet another pointless point has been made! Hooray!
[b]And for the last point I wanted to talk about today:[/b]
I made some changes to the site, namely these:
[list]
[e]Moods for the comics and blog entries. You can now see some different icons which I will choose depending on my mood when I post.
[e]Blog short/long versions. The front page only shows a part of the blog entry. However, the poster can decide how much to show on the front page.
[e]Short link list: http://tymoon.eu/short
[/list]
Not much but at least something.
[b]And finally, here have a sweet music video:[/b]
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRtd8ArvH_s[/youtube]
–>Nick away!
Written by shinmera